Monday, December 24, 2012

Wee packages and window treatments

In other words, I made my friend Rel a diorama for Christmas. Yes, those presents required wrapping WITH A FUCKING TWEEZER. Yes, those fairy lights are just glue and string and yes, the window was the hardest bit, how'd you know? Fuck that window, man. 

Oh, and if you're wondering about size, I used a candy cane box. It's sitting on top of a book in the picture. It's....6x6 inches, maybe?

Monday, November 26, 2012

The Hardest Letter I've Ever Had to Write

Dear Food,

I think we need to break up.

Yes, I realize that our relationship has been long, and deep, and no truer romance has existed (except possibly between John Candy and fried nuggets of delight) but everything must come to an end and this, dear Food, is ours.

As I sat here, drool slowly escaping the side of my mouth because I was too lazy to reach up and wipe it away, it occurred to me that we have been growing apart for some time. Sure, we had the occasional mad fling, turkey and pie dancing around in a culmination of gustatational proportions rarely seen outside of specialty internet videos. Yes, I realize that over the last few weeks you may have even thought our relationship might be strengthening, as I stopped portioning my meals and indulged my every whim when it came to exploring the depths of culinary fantasies; I now realize, however, that this was a mistake.

Oh, you're not to blame, food; it's not you, it's me. Really.

The thing is, we've been together too long. I've grown too dependent on you, and without a promise of deeper commitment there's really nowhere for this relationship to go. Also, I've kinda been seeing someone on the side; her name's Exercise, and while things have been rocky to start with, I think we really have something, and I think I'm more interested in pursuing that relationship than this one.

In short, Food, I'm dumping you. Don't worry, though, we can still be friends.

I'll love you forever,


P.S. That thing we did the other day, with the candied yams? That was stupendous.

Friday, July 20, 2012

Who's mama's bayboo?

My best friend died today.

 She would have been 17 come September 1st. We spent half my life together, and she left my life the same way she came into it - snuggled in my arms in the wee hours of the morning.

 One morning when I was 15, my dad came home, woke me up, and dropped a kitten-cat in my arms. He went to bed, and I eventually fell asleep with the newly-minted YumYum in my arms. Turns out she had followed a coworker of his back to the Herald plant, she was cute and friendly, and so he brought her home to his daughter, who had recently lost her from-birth companion cat, Pena, and her first (and best) dog, Mitzi.

I knew the end was coming. The past few days I watched my baby quickly lose the ability to walk, become listless in the presence of anything but gooshyfood, and yesterday she stopped drinking, too. By 9 last night I knew she wouldn't make it to morning - she had stopped responding to all but the most annoying of pokes. By the time we went to bed at half past midnight, her pupils had stopped reacting to light.

We snuggled, just as we had for seventeen years, with her head on my arm and our bellies together. By 4, she had begun siezing, and it was all over by 4:40am. I wrapped her in the same shawl that I'd snuggle her into during winter and buried her in the backyard, under the oak tree. She's not the only animal buried out there, so I knew how hard digging a deep enough hole would be; luckily, she's wee, and I put her somewhere that not only was soft enough to dig, but had few oak roots and a big heavy object to place on top and prevent other animals from digging her up.

Yes, Ma, she's under the birdbath.

I'm glad that it was quick, in the end, and that she didn't spend days suffering; I'm mad that she had stopped cleaning herself, and so I'm going to remember her with dirty paws along with her fixed stare and grey tongue. But more than anything else, I'm mad that now I really am alone - she was my only true friend and companion, and no human relationship comes close.

 At least she peed on me, at the end;it proves that no matter what, my boobaloo was still my dumb-ass old lady waddlebutt cat.

I miss you so much, kitten.

Tuesday, May 29, 2012

The Incomplete Manual of Me

Fears (irrational)

Deep and/or murky water, darkness – don’t like not being able to see what might be hanging around. Not afraid of walking at night, am afraid of there being no light to see by. Very different concept.

Crowds – yay agoraphobia! If you ever want to see me have a panic attack (you sick, sick bastard), make me stay in a crowded area where people are free to wander about rather than moving with a purpose. Example: the mall is fine. Inside the Apple store is not. Light rail is fine, light rail STATION is not. Can be mitigated if with someone with an acceptable rate of body contact is present, in which case holding onto shirt or hand can stop panic from rising.

Change – big changes, planned in advance, are fine. Little changes, sprung in a surprise attack, will cause a panic attack. Moving to different city? Fine. Changing which desk I sit at in the office? I need to go home, sorry about that, can I please keep my job. Also, don’t do that again, thanks.

 Lack of situation control – Example: being the passenger in a car with a driver that is messing about with their cell phone. (see also ‘change’)

Clowns – They could be anyone under that paint. (see also ‘unseen things’, ‘crowds’)

Fears (rational)

Spiders – Because fuck you, that’s why.

Sudden death – I don’t have a porn buddy, and if my mom found my stash I’d die of embarrassment.

Meeting strangers – see ‘clowns’. But without the facepaint. And not as scary, of course.

Confrontation – Near-instant panic attack. Avoid at all costs.

Things That Are Just Icky For No Readily Apparent Reason

Body contact – Why? I love cuddling, in my head. In real life, in most cases, I get the heebyjeebies when people touch me.

Bad food textures - ::shudder:: Slimy things are at the top of the list: slippery chicken, fat blobs. Baby corn, pearl onions, pomegranate seeds (this started a few years ago when I broke my molar, and now the seeds feel like the chunk of tooth that was briefly in my mouth. Scarred for life much?).

Bodily fluids – Don’t like kissing because of the spit, and yet will clean up cat poop. ::throws hands in air:: No, I don’t get it either.


Food arranged on my plate improperly – foods should not touch, unless they are Chinese, Indian, or Thanksgiving.

No mixing bites of food - ::shudders:: So wrong. Each food should be eaten separately. Example: turkey, corn, potatoes, stuffing. Side note: if the corn touches the potatoes, they have to be mixed together. No eating some turkey, then some corn, then back to turkey. No. Not allowed.

Stupid Things

Organizing books alphabetically rather than by size – yes, all of one author should be together. But after that they should be lined up according to size, with the tallest on the left, descending towards the right.

Books are organized first by feelings towards them, then by category – Terry Pratchett goes front and center, but is not in a ‘fantasy’ category. But, for example, memoirs all go together, unless other books by that person exist, in which case the memoirs live with the author collection.

Pressing buttons in a random fashion – yes, OCD a bit here, but 3 or 5 is the accepted number of times to push the crosswalk button.

Not sitting in the exact center of the movie screen – there are rules for where movie companions sit after that, but those rules change based on which movie companions are present. For example, me in the center, Mom to my right, sister other side of Mom; but if sister is not there, then Mom needs to be on the left, not the right.

Playdates – If I make the date, there’s a 90% chance I’ll go through with it. If it’s suggested by somebody else, then there’s an 80% chance I’ll make up a stupid excuse and back out of it. That’s why I find this Dog Text so funny.

Deeply Ingrained Beliefs That I Logically Know Are Wrong But Nevertheless Can’t Stop Believing Are True

Everyone lies and, usually, leaves – Yes, I recognize that I have some major insecurity issues and a bit of an abandonment complex. Yes, I know why my neediness and fear of commitment to any sort of relationship exists. Yes, I know that probably none of it is true and is just a result of conditioning during my childhood. No, none of that makes me feel better and no, I don’t know how to stop having those sorts of thoughts.

I must make people like me because the instant that they don’t, they will hate me – Thanks, dad.

I shouldn’t tell people what I think or how I feel because then they will hate me AND leave.

Things That Make Me Feel Better

Making lists/schedules, even if they’re not followed – The process is relaxing, even if the end result is nonexistent. See also ‘control, lack of’.

Chaperones – Strange situations often require a familiar reference. Example: going to movies on Monday with person met on Friday requires presence of pre-existing friend or family member.

Open areas – Cure for crowd-induced panic attacks (eventually).

Standing in a corner – With hands over ears to block out noise, creates a secure area. Can be used to try and calm down when stressed out. Does not stop panic attacks.

Pills – yay pharmaceuticals!

 Signs That Something is Wrong

Shoulders hunched up – Yes, I know I do it. Doesn’t mean I can make myself relax on cue.

Flinching, fidgeting – Again, I know I do it. However, rate increases when stress is high.

Panic response – Rapid/heavy breathing, flushed face, tears. If turns into full panic attack, will also include shortness of breath, feeling of having a heart attack and/or feeling of strangulation. May fail to recognize familiar people. In extreme cases may end up on floor. Unfortunately, strangers often try and help, which worsens things greatly, as result of fight-or-flight response is unpredictable and in some situations may result in trying to hurt (strange) people. Hugs/being a wall from a familiar person can help. Panic attacks can continue for a good length of time – record currently stands at half an hour. See also ‘move to open space’, ‘block out sight/sound’.

Emotional outburst – Is usually a result of anger, embarrassment, or frustration. Crying and yelling to an extremely irrational level compared to instigating factor(s). Will probably try to hurt self by punching or slapping. May also try to throw and/or break objects. Hugs from friend good, but do not put in corner as will try to concuss self against wall. Unlike panic attacks, outbursts are usually over in a minute or two. However, they are far less predictable and occur much more often.

Why I do the Things I do

I don’t like to leave the house because… I’m afraid of what will happen when I do.

I often can’t leave the house because… If I can get over the fear that I will somehow humiliate myself, then depression and apathy team up and I’m just too exhausted to go through with the effort.

I babble because… If I stop talking, people might start listening, and watching, and judging.

I still try and share what I’m feeling because… I logically know that depression lies, and that the only way to feel better is to let people know what’s wrong, even if getting the words out is next to impossible because of the first three reasons in this category.

Friday, April 20, 2012

Monday, April 16, 2012

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Duuude. Not cool.

I am truly my Mom's daughter. She has always said she has bad dreams about her teeth falling out, and I just woke up from one of my own. It was a semi-routine flossing (I say semi, as my cousin Braden was there and it was in the trailer I grew up in, but at the same time was not the trailer OR anywhere I've lived) and I lost a front molar leaving a big old meth-y gap and my front canine (which in my dream was situated a bit behind my front teeth, so it wasn't noticeable) and then a tooth on the other side. And for some reason the molar looked like it was made of glass - there was a part where I was playing at looking at my fingers through it - and then I put the three teeth on a shelf and went to go email Dad that instead of our possible trip to Reno this spring, can we please go see Uncle Scott (The only dentist I've ever seen outside of when I had the emergency extraction a few years ago, which is when I discovered that if it's not Uncle Scott, I'm terrified of dentists) instead. And then I woke up.

I think, all in all, what it means is that I really, really wish I had a job and that that job offered dental insurance.

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Happy birthday to meeeeeee

Well, here we are again. ::looks around:: Nope, don't feel any mighty life changes, illuminations or epiphanies just yet. Maybe I should give it another year.

Sunday, January 15, 2012


Mom went ahead and got herself t-boned by a guy too dumb to turn into a median lane and instead tried to go straight through while she was turning. i would very much like to know how much he swore inside his head when he realized he'd hit a Sheriff's Dept. vehicle and saw a badge getting out to trade information. Gives me a warm tingle of glee inside.

Sunday, January 8, 2012

Task list

Have changed the way I make my schedules. I no longer am dividing things up by times, because I always fail to complete them in the 'proper' time and then feel like a failure. So instead I'm just making simple task lists. gets me to complete everything I need to do, but in a much less stressful, failure-making way.

Note the now-fixed failure to include 'post on blog'.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Yeah, that went well.

Okay, so I guess only posting when I had something 'interesting' to say backfired, so screw it. It's my damn blog, and anyone reading it will jsut have to be as bored by me as I am.

So, job-hunting is adjective needs to be invented to describe how it's going, let's leave it at that.

School is fun again, but also driving me crazy as there's no clear instructions on how we're supposed to go about things, or what gets done where; you just get told to look at the manual, which doesn't help as only about a tenth of it seems to apply to me and even then, it's only a collection of the forms used - there's no actual information on how or where or when something is supposed to be done.

Made some new friends New Year's Eve (no, really, the kind you friend on Facebook and everything!), which I think is a HUGE accomplishment for me. Admittedly, much of it is based around the fact that we all have weird brains and so understand each other when trying to explain the frustration of not being able to explain what life is like to other people, but still.

I have a bit of a goal this year, which is to be out of Mom's house by Solstice 2012 (just in time for the world to end, natch). As for an actual resolution, however, I've said fuck it. Losing weight, being a better person, whatever gets chosen gets forgotten, so I'm not going to bother this year. So, I suppose that my resolution is to carry on as always...? Eh. Never said I wasn't lame.

I HAVE decided to learn to knit, and so far it's going swimmingly. Perhaps I shall start selling stuff, I don't know: I've already sold some scarves to distant family, so perhaps that is an option. However, it gives me something to do with my hands, and helps fill the gaping hole left by being unemployed all day. The accomplishment felt by completing quests in an MMORPG is just slightly outdone by the accomplishment felt when somebody is able to wear something you've made (without shame, preferably), which goes to show just how big of an accomplished feeling it is.

I've been feeling discombobulated lately, as my brain has failed to be obsessed by anything for a while. Normally, I would have thought this a good thing, but it turns out that with no job to focus on, my brain is left to flap sadly about, unable to latch onto anything for more than a couple hours - this makes it very hard to follow through with anything, as I'm permanently stuck in the "I'm bored, but I don't want to do any of the things available for me to do" cycle. Very, very irritating.

Lastly, I made much food this holiday season, almost all of which was delicious and nommed up within hours. So, yay! But the failure (fruitcake) nearly spoiled all of the lovely accomplished feeling. Anyway. I warned you about the boredom. I BET YOU THOUGHT I WAS KIDDING BUT NO. Welcome back to my life.