A New Beginning. Which, already, come on people - have you ever even SEEN a graveyard? I mean, sure, it's a dream, but still. Also, totally not what Corey looks like grown up, or even might have looked like in a different life. Also also, that is a shit-ass van that institution drives.
Well they've got a symbolic rainbow flag under a sign with 'family tradition' all nice and bold. Well done, anonymous set-dresser!
Am not impressed with the professionalism displayed by the Pinehurst team. Can't wait for them all to die horribly.
OMG Reggie, you are so tiny and jive and adorable. Die horribly.
Step #1 in running a mental health center: DO NOT GIVE WEAPONS TO THE INMATES.
And tell me, Mr. Paramedic, how exactly have you managed to stay employed for more than a week?
Dude, how far you gonna walk? Do you think you'll find a magic outhouse?
Aw, Tommy has a temper like me. Adorbs!
Really? You went to work with no bra on? Classy. I'd say enjoy the saggy tits when you're my age, but since I doubt you'll make it that long...
I'm kinda disappointed. I thought WoodsyTits was gonna roll over and her head would fall off. No eyes is kind of..... boring.
Reggie's big brother totally wishes he was Michael Jackson in the Bad video. Can't decide whether it's cute or pathetic.
And here I thought a song involving the words 'oooh' and 'baby' couldn't get worse than Beiber.
Vi may be wearing a shirt while 'dancing' to 'music' but I can still see that we have yet another contestant in the Future Boob Sag competition.
Who the hell gets into bed that way?
Because why wear a bra when you're an administrator running around in a white blouse in the rain. I mean, that would just be silly.
Yes, I also think it's a bad sign in a slasher movie when titties are more interesting than the slashing. I think they're supposed to distract us from the badness of the movie, but there aren't enough boobs in the world to do that.
Finally! I was starting to think we wouldn't get any CorpseCandygrams in this one!
See, badly-dressed administrator lady? Did Reggie lay there and scream instead of trying to escape? No, he got himself a fucking 'dozer, cuz Reggie ain't no jive turkey. Too bad the both of you have still neglected the #1 rule of villians - STOVE THEIR FUCKING HEADS IN WHEN YOU HAVE THE CHANCE, YOU DUMB-ASS DUMMIES.
Chainsaw = good idea. Waiting around to get it restarted = bad idea. You could have just hit him in the head with it.
No, don't bother kicking the ladder away. Just let him keep climbing. It's totally fine.
Welp, that was purty darn bad. I'd maybe even rate it on a par with #3.
I'm not gonna watch another one just yet. That's how bad this one was.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Thursday, June 5, 2014
Friday the 13thses, transferred over from Facebook because for some reason I can't stop exposing myself to the stupidity
#1: OK, I'm now watching Friday the 13th and understand the true meaning of yelling at the dumbass characters to stop being such dumbasses.
WHY DID YOU BYPASS THE GIANT PIECES OF WOOD IN FAVOR OF EMPTY CARDBOARD BOXES?!
WHY DO YOU KEEP THROWING YOUR WEAPONS AWAY?!
SHE RAN PAST YOU. GET IN A BOAT, TAKE *ALL* THE OARS, AND GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE.
I SAID STOP THROWING AWAY YOUR WEAPONS
FUCKING HIT HER AGAIN UNTIL SHE'S DEAD
OH, OK, STOP AND STARE AT THE SKY ALL DREAMILY INSTEAD OF, YES, GETTING IN THE DAMN BOAT
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
Good lord, at least with the Hellraiser movies you can just stop at DON'T OPEN THE---OK, YOU OPENED THE BOX, IT'S ALL ON YOU NOW, BYE. So much easier on the larynx.
#2: ::starts watching FT13 part 2::
GODDAMMIT YOU PUTZ I HAVE TO WATCH YOU AGAIN? ALSO WHY ARE YOU WEARING THE SOFTER SIDE OF SEARS ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH I THINK I NEED TO BE DRUNK TO WATCH THIS SERIES.
::makes drink::
::comes back::
::putz dies::
IT WORKED!
Oh, honey. Half your shirt seems to have fallen off and OH DEAR GOD WHY CAN I SEE YOUR RIBS THROUGH YOUR BACK
Once again, the chance to stove his brains in is ignored in favor of stumbling away idiotically.
#3: OK. Here we go. Friday the 13th part 3, supposedly the worst after Jason in Space or whatever it's called. I SHALL BE THE JUDGE JUDY AND EXECUTIONER.
OMG WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THEME SONG (I just might be in love with the shitty 80s-ness of it. Shut up.)
1st genuine scare of the series - man investigating, about to get BOOM HELLO DOVE DON'T MIND THE WINDOW HIT IT HARD AS YOU LIKE I DON'T MIND
Really? You wanted people to be grossed out by an eyeball in 3D and you didn't even make it a bloody one? COP-OUT.
Axe to the head! Better! Now stop staring, pull the axe out and do it a few more times......nope, you're going to go sit near a boat and stare dreamily into the night. I feel as though we've been here before...
Hon, the water is like three feet deep. Just get out of the fucking boat.
AAAAAAAAAAAND CRISPIN GLOVER IT MAY OFFICIALLY BE THE BEST ONE YET (haha, 'best')
"Some emergency." Yeah, shame about the massive pile of dead bodies. Don't worry, it's not, like, a tragedy or anything.
::sings:: BOUNCY BOUNCY, OOOH WHAT A FUN TIME!
What the hell is that font on the news channel? Who made it, a stoned intern?
Speaking of, who made this exercise video? Poison?
Hey, I see you're jogging. I like to wear a bra when I jog. But to each their own, I guess.
OMG IT'S A BABY COREY AAAAAAAAA LOOK AT HIS WIDDLE CHEEKS!
DOUBLE OMG CRISPIN YOU ARE SO BOOTIFUL
Really? That enormous house only has two bedrooms?
Right after a mass murder is EXACTLY when I would bring a mysterious hitchhiker home.
Crispin, you are a most majestic dancer.
Oh, so Tom usually leaves the door open? Good to know. SAFETY FIRST, Y'ALL.
THAT IS THE SINGLE WORST EXAMPLE OF SHOTGUNNING A BEER I HAVE EVER WITNESSED.
Hey greaser, if you wanna have sex maybe you should try talking to them like women instead of kindergartners.
HAHAHAHAHAHA dick grab.
NOOOO NOT CRISPIN'S BOOTIFUL FAAAAACE!
Girl, that hair be lookin' nasty. Maybe you should wash it before you get out of the shower and die.
Why...? Woman, you've dried zero of your hairs. Pick that up and try again.
Hey, maybe instead of going into the house you know has been hit by Jason, maybe go back to the ten year old you left all alone. Also, you don't seem too concerned about your missing mother what with a murderer on the loose. Were you guys not getting along?
LISTEN TO THE FUCKING DOG
Sure, let's go back down the stairs towards where we just watched dude get murdered and then stand there so the murderer can come after us. THE DOG IS SMARTER THAN YOU AND HE'S GOT A BRAIN THE SIZE OF A ... A ... A VERY SMALL BRAIN.
What is it with Jason throwing people through windows? Is it his version of a candygram?
maybe instead of telling him to run like hell, you could have him help you, I dunno, STOVE JASON'S HEAD IN WHAT A CONCEPT
Hey, she finally listened to the dog! Well done. But maybe get up before you die of either Jason or drowning.
Is Jason made of wax? Only reason I can think of for his face slowly falling apart over the course of these first movies. Also, good job, Baby!Corey. Head-stoved-in achievement: unlocked! Have fun in therapy.
OK, that's enough terrible 80s flicks for one day. Time for some MahJong Titans and Queen.
WHY DID YOU BYPASS THE GIANT PIECES OF WOOD IN FAVOR OF EMPTY CARDBOARD BOXES?!
WHY DO YOU KEEP THROWING YOUR WEAPONS AWAY?!
SHE RAN PAST YOU. GET IN A BOAT, TAKE *ALL* THE OARS, AND GET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LAKE.
I SAID STOP THROWING AWAY YOUR WEAPONS
FUCKING HIT HER AGAIN UNTIL SHE'S DEAD
OH, OK, STOP AND STARE AT THE SKY ALL DREAMILY INSTEAD OF, YES, GETTING IN THE DAMN BOAT
OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE.
Good lord, at least with the Hellraiser movies you can just stop at DON'T OPEN THE---OK, YOU OPENED THE BOX, IT'S ALL ON YOU NOW, BYE. So much easier on the larynx.
#2: ::starts watching FT13 part 2::
GODDAMMIT YOU PUTZ I HAVE TO WATCH YOU AGAIN? ALSO WHY ARE YOU WEARING THE SOFTER SIDE OF SEARS ARRGH ARRGH ARRGH I THINK I NEED TO BE DRUNK TO WATCH THIS SERIES.
::makes drink::
::comes back::
::putz dies::
IT WORKED!
Oh, honey. Half your shirt seems to have fallen off and OH DEAR GOD WHY CAN I SEE YOUR RIBS THROUGH YOUR BACK
Once again, the chance to stove his brains in is ignored in favor of stumbling away idiotically.
#3: OK. Here we go. Friday the 13th part 3, supposedly the worst after Jason in Space or whatever it's called. I SHALL BE THE JUDGE JUDY AND EXECUTIONER.
OMG WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS THEME SONG (I just might be in love with the shitty 80s-ness of it. Shut up.)
1st genuine scare of the series - man investigating, about to get BOOM HELLO DOVE DON'T MIND THE WINDOW HIT IT HARD AS YOU LIKE I DON'T MIND
Really? You wanted people to be grossed out by an eyeball in 3D and you didn't even make it a bloody one? COP-OUT.
OMG only halfway through and this one does indeed suck massively hard.
Really? The best way you could think to utilize 3D in a horror film is with fucking POPCORN?
When you fail at a head-squeezing, you have truly failed.
When you fail at a head-squeezing, you have truly failed.
Again? Really? THERE IS NO POINT BARRICADING A DOOR WHEN YOU ARE SURROUNDED BY FUCKING GLASS HOW DO YOU PEOPLE NOT UNDERSTAND HOW WINDOWS WORK
OK, I know the Doctor said books are the greatest weapon in the universe, BUT NOT LIKE THAT GET A FUCKING AXE YOU LAMEASS
Oooooh, see, no JASON'S got an axe because he may be insane but he's still smarter than you fuckwits.....and hey, you've bothered to take an available weapon! Finally your sense of self-preservation gets an outing!
.................never mind. You fucktard.
Sure. Stand around looking in the windows. It's not like, say, you could climb a fucking tree and watch him run around all invisible-like.
Oh good, you hit him with a block of wood. But what's this? You're not taking the time to stove his head in? Quelle surprise!
Oh good, you hit him with a shovel. But what's this? You're not taking the time to stove his head in and are instead hanging him and assuming he's dead? He's NOT dead, you say? Truly, my surprise has much quelle.
Axe to the head! Better! Now stop staring, pull the axe out and do it a few more times......nope, you're going to go sit near a boat and stare dreamily into the night. I feel as though we've been here before...
Hon, the water is like three feet deep. Just get out of the fucking boat.
Sigh. That was everything I'd thought it'd be and less. Oh well, must be time for #4!
#4: "The Final Chapter". HAHAHAHAHAHA That's the only intentionally funny part so far. It's intentional, right?
HOLY SHIT THIS ONE HAS A COREY! SCORE!
HOLY SHIT THIS ONE HAS A COREY! SCORE!
AAAAAAAAAAAND CRISPIN GLOVER IT MAY OFFICIALLY BE THE BEST ONE YET (haha, 'best')
"Some emergency." Yeah, shame about the massive pile of dead bodies. Don't worry, it's not, like, a tragedy or anything.
::sings:: BOUNCY BOUNCY, OOOH WHAT A FUN TIME!
What the hell is that font on the news channel? Who made it, a stoned intern?
Speaking of, who made this exercise video? Poison?
Hey, I see you're jogging. I like to wear a bra when I jog. But to each their own, I guess.
OMG IT'S A BABY COREY AAAAAAAAA LOOK AT HIS WIDDLE CHEEKS!
DOUBLE OMG CRISPIN YOU ARE SO BOOTIFUL
Really? That enormous house only has two bedrooms?
Right after a mass murder is EXACTLY when I would bring a mysterious hitchhiker home.
Crispin, you are a most majestic dancer.
Oh, so Tom usually leaves the door open? Good to know. SAFETY FIRST, Y'ALL.
THAT IS THE SINGLE WORST EXAMPLE OF SHOTGUNNING A BEER I HAVE EVER WITNESSED.
Hey greaser, if you wanna have sex maybe you should try talking to them like women instead of kindergartners.
HAHAHAHAHAHA dick grab.
NOOOO NOT CRISPIN'S BOOTIFUL FAAAAACE!
Girl, that hair be lookin' nasty. Maybe you should wash it before you get out of the shower and die.
Why...? Woman, you've dried zero of your hairs. Pick that up and try again.
Hey, maybe instead of going into the house you know has been hit by Jason, maybe go back to the ten year old you left all alone. Also, you don't seem too concerned about your missing mother what with a murderer on the loose. Were you guys not getting along?
LISTEN TO THE FUCKING DOG
Sure, let's go back down the stairs towards where we just watched dude get murdered and then stand there so the murderer can come after us. THE DOG IS SMARTER THAN YOU AND HE'S GOT A BRAIN THE SIZE OF A ... A ... A VERY SMALL BRAIN.
What is it with Jason throwing people through windows? Is it his version of a candygram?
maybe instead of telling him to run like hell, you could have him help you, I dunno, STOVE JASON'S HEAD IN WHAT A CONCEPT
Hey, she finally listened to the dog! Well done. But maybe get up before you die of either Jason or drowning.
Is Jason made of wax? Only reason I can think of for his face slowly falling apart over the course of these first movies. Also, good job, Baby!Corey. Head-stoved-in achievement: unlocked! Have fun in therapy.
OK, that's enough terrible 80s flicks for one day. Time for some MahJong Titans and Queen.
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